It might not seem like it, but a lot of our lives are spent arguing over things that don’t really matter in the long run. And no one gets into these kinds of arguments more often than high-conflict individuals. These are people who seem to thrive on disputes, create tension, and escalate conflicts whenever they can.
High-conflict personalities often have patterns of behavior like blaming others, being overly defensive, and having a strong need to control or win. While these traits are sometimes linked to specific personality disorders, not everyone with these traits is necessarily high-conflict.
But if you do find yourself dealing with someone who is, here are a few tips that’ll help you manage the situation effectively.
Dealing with high-conflict personalities
1. Stay Calm and Composed
Why: High-conflict individuals often try to provoke emotional reactions. How: Take deep breaths, keep your voice steady, and maintain a neutral expression. Avoid mirroring their intensity. Staying calm can help prevent the situation from escalating further.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
Why: High-conflict individuals tend to push limits and invade personal space. How: Clearly communicate what is acceptable and what is not. Be firm but respectful in enforcing these boundaries. Establishing clear boundaries helps protect your personal space and keeps the interaction more controlled.
3. Avoid Arguing or Engaging in Power Struggles
Why:Dealing with high-conflict personalities can be tricky as they thrive on conflict and may escalate arguments to gain control or attention. How: Instead of arguing, acknowledge their feelings without agreeing or disagreeing. Use phrases like, “I understand you feel strongly about this,” to de-escalate the situation. This approach helps you avoid unnecessary conflicts and keeps things from getting out of hand.
4. Use ‘BIFF‘ Communication: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm
Why: High-conflict individuals may misinterpret or manipulate communication. How: Keep your messages short, factual, and free of emotion. Be friendly yet firm, and avoid getting drawn into long discussions or debates. This method of communication reduces the chances of your words being twisted and keeps the interaction focused.
5. Don’t Take It Personally
Why: Their behavior often stems from their own issues and isn’t a reflection of you. How: Remind yourself that their reactions are about them, not you. Maintain emotional distance to avoid feeling hurt or frustrated. Understanding that their behavior isn’t about you can help you stay emotionally grounded.
These tips should be more than enough to help you navigate sticky situations with high-conflict individuals.
Remember, we’re not trying to stigmatize or “other” the people we’re talking about. We have to approach this from a place of empathy and understanding—only then can we have better relationships and handle these challenges with grace.
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