Cringe-worthy Business Mottos, Slogans and Mission Statements

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Business slogans, mottos and mission statements – clever messaging or over exaggerated business ideals? Let’s face facts; most of us can see through un-substantiated claims, and while corporate executives may get to spend two weeks in Cape Town to ‘research and develop’ their company’s vital business slogan, it’s fair to speculate that few of us really believe in the actual message.

If a slogan or a motto is to work, it needs to coincide with the brand. More than that, it needs to become part of our sub-conscious. It needs to blend; so we don’t necessarily think about it, but we recognise it the second we see it.

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The companies know this, so they try to come up with clever mottos and mission statements to keep us wowed – which, clearly, leaves a lot of scope for some cringe-worthy attempts. Here’s some of the best.

Microsoft

‘Microsoft’s mission is to enable people and businesses throughout the world to realize their full potential.’

Microsoft builds computer operating systems. They don’t offer life-coaching; don’t do counselling; they just build operating systems – very good operating systems, but operating systems nonetheless. So why their mission statement reads like they’re providing us with the tools to evolve to greater human beings is beyond comprehension.

Stick to creating computer operating systems, Microsoft; leave the cheese at home.

Yahoo!

‘Yahoo!’s mission is to be the most essential global Internet service for consumers and businesses’

Now, nobody doubts Yahoo! is one of the biggest and most visited sites on the planet, but this mission statement, really? How can they even begin to think they can beat Google when it comes to search-engine popularity?

This mission statement may be aspirational, but it’s also probably a bit optimistic, too.

David Brent-style

‘I can’t spell success without you’

You know the type; scattered across businesses and schools across the country, these David Brent-style slogans are cringe-worthy from start to finish. Why anyone would think reading this on a daily basis will make you work harder or somehow become more of a team-player is beyond us, but they’re everywhere, so someone must be making a fortune from them!

The Office, part 2

‘Aim for the moon, and if you don’t get there at least you’ll be a star’

Oh dear; oh dear, oh dear. This has to be one of the worst slogans a business can ever put on their walls or notification board. If this doesn’t make you want to commit suicide on a Monday morning, then nothing will.

Penile-cringe

‘Erections, that’s our game’

If ever a slogan was inappropriate and worthy of an epic fail, it would be this one. There’s no problem running your own erection service, but surely a slogan which implies the sexual variant of an erection is just too obvious even to consider? Clearly not, as this slogan is about as hilarious and brilliant as any slogan we’ve seen before.

Well played.

 

Fruit to go

‘Suck It!’

Nothing wrong with a bit of fruit on the go, but did the Fruit To Go company hire a 14-year-old boy to come up with their slogan? If this is slogan isn’t the fevered imaginings of a Degeneration-X wrestling fan, then we don’t know what this slogan is all about.

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About the author: Jonny D loves writing about business and social media marketing. He currently works for Ladbrokes.

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